When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another—and ourselves. ~Jack Kornfield
Busy isn’t always good.
Lately I find myself busy. So busy that I was running on autopilot. You know how you go day by day with a list of things to do and somehow managing to get them done yet at the end of the day you still feel like you haven’t done anything? Then you start the next day feeling the same way. And it lasts for weeks, months, even years. This is exactly what I feel which made me realize I’m treading water.
The past few months (or is it years?) everything feels over. Overthought, overworked, overstimulated, overwhelmed.
You know it’s easy to wake up everyday and do things you’re supposed to do. But what’s hard is figuring out if what you’re doing is something that can help you live a better life or be a better person and sometimes we get lost along the way trying to figure this out. I got lost.
I felt that if I succumb to working, taking care of my kids and managing the home then I won’t have time to really asses what my life has become and what my relationships have become. I could say I’m good at being a blogger but lately I can’t say the same that I’m really good at being a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I spread myself too thin and got overwhelmed with everything. This plus having to battle an internal struggle and coping up with a parent who is sick was my wake up call. It got me scared. Suddenly I’m facing the reality of my life and I needed to refocus.
I grew up a devout Catholic. My parents were active in our community and so were my sisters and I. We go to church regularly, pray the rosary at night, and we even attended kids and youth camp for Christ growing up. I carried this with me even after I got married but after becoming a homemaker, a mom of two and a blogger, my practice isn’t the way it used to be. I got derailed prioritizing other things. Not that I stopped being a Catholic, for my family & I still go to church every Sunday yet I still feel lost.
Was I overspent? Was I overworked? Was I saying yes all the time? Was I doing this for myself or was I doing this for others? So many thoughts ran through my head that one day it just hit me, I suddenly have no drive to wake up and do what I’m supposed to do. I got tired and weary.
It’s nobody’s fault but mine really. Nobody told me to pressure myself to juggle all the roles I need to play. It was all on me and keeping myself busy hindered me to focus on one of the things that matter aside from my family, it’s my relationship with God. It’s funny coz I follow a handful of bloggers/influencers and Instagram accounts that give me daily devotion but more often than not I just read through them without intently understanding what it’s about. I feel guilty of praying earnestly only when I have something I needed and it sucks that I only realize this now. Now that I am emotionally drained and spiritually empty but I guess some lessons in life are meant to be learned the hard way. And I’m thankful I’m learning this now because it is exactly what I need and it is something that can help me become a better person.
I know religion and faith is not often a topic for blog post because each and everyone of us has different beliefs and that’s okay. I’m just here sharing what I’m going through in my life right now. The internal struggle is real and I know everyone of us goes through this at least once in our life. I’m not ashamed to say I’m currently going through it but I’m trying my best to my find my way back and one the ways I’m doing it is to refocus on what matters to me, my family and God.
While I do love sharing a lot of things on my blog and social media, I’m taking a vow to really be mindful in my relationships in real life. To really give time to talk to the people that matters to me, my family and friends. To spend time with my sisters and parents, to catch up with my close friends–I always give a lame excuse that I have no time to go out because I’m taking care of my family– and to be a more mindful parent to my kids and a good wife to my husband whom I know I’ve taken for granted. He’s not very public and is focused with his work yet I don’t really give him the credit he deserves–aside from the once in a while Instagram hubby in training acknowledgement heehee.
I’ve had this book for years now but I haven’t really had the time to read it. I think now is the perfect time to start on it.
Refocusing and reconnecting. This was really one of my goals for the year. We’re done with the first quarter of 2018 yet I still haven’t started on this goal. But hey there’s nine more months left of 2018 to do this. To intently be present for my family & friends. To ask for forgiveness to the people I’ve hurt and have taken for granted. To be thankful and grateful to God for all the life he has given me. To live life with the goal to be better so that I can serve others better.
Life is too short to focus on the wrong things so I’m refocusing on what matters. It does feel a bit good to share what I’m going through and to let it all out. After all, I’m just human and I get these feelings too. So to those of you who read this thank you for doing so and if you’re going through the same struggle I’m praying along with you. Here’s to finding your own anchor and trusting Him to lead you to the right path.
Okay back to regular posts again tomorrow but I might have a weekly devotion coming so I hope you stick around to read it too.
Have a great week everyone. 🙂
This was a heartfelt post Jackie, thanks for sharing. You’re not alone in you feelings- I’m here with ya. I’m excited to see how you refocus the rest of the year. I’m proud of you!
Jackie Go says
Awwww thank you Amber! <3